Dealing with loss is an unfortunate feat. Whether approaching for some time, or occurring from nowhere, the reality is unimaginable.
Last week I lost someone very dear to my heart and have been dealing with the consequential heartache since. I suppose writing it on here, making note of the current pain, allows me to bookmark this moment as my life continues. Losing a loved one, family or friend, forces you to confront everything you treasured about them. From the small details (eye colour, dimples, the five pound note slipped secretly into your hand) to memories and personality traits that have helped you to become who you are.
Perhaps I'm speaking from a restricted perspective, born into an abnormally small family who are dependant and devoted to each other. Although this is my loss, as I speak to friends it seems clear that the context does not tamper or influence the raw emotion. The individual may differ but the feeling of tugging, straining, drowning and aching in one's heart does not.
From the second it occurs, you're told to seek the positives in the situation. You're sure to hear frequent 'at least...' and 'everything happens for a reason', perhaps the 'on the bright side' phrase will be thrust in your direction. It's okay to believe that in this moment there is no "bright side" to discover. There may never be a singular positive, no 'reason' to believe that this was okay, or should have happened. At the moment I'm struggling with something similar. A similar taste of denial and unwilling.
We deal with loss in different ways, and, as this is my first experience, I'm learning that I have a tendency to ignore what is happening around me. Pressing each key into this post is forcing the truth, the reality, to form before my eyes. Perhaps this is my positive. That I am so incredibly proud and full of love for the one I lost, that I had to post in his honour. Sure, only one person may read this, and maybe that will be my boyfriend or sister or best friend. But to write it seems like a way to deal with 'it'. Whatever this heart-wrenching, unfair and untimely 'it' may be. Though I'm struggling to find closure at this moment, I'm sure that, with time, it will arise. As unexpectedly and peacefully as last week's event. Though I may never discover the 'positive', I can disclose that memories are the 'bright side'. That they can never be taken, suddenly or unfairly, that they will stay with me so long as I continue to love and admire every person still with me today.
I hadn't expected to write a long post, or even write at all, but to do so brings me closer to my own feelings. I promise to return with more materialistic images of another love of mine (style) very shortly, so forgive me for this minor interlude that had to occur in honour of my incredible grandad Bill, December 1925 - October 2014.
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