I thought, during exam period of second year at university, that my academic life had reached it's peak of stress. The accumulation of anxiety, weight gain and financial worries left me so down that even the suggestion of a 'pick-me-up' Dominos takeaway did little to stir a smile. Flash forward almost exactly one year and I'm living to disprove this supposed 'stress climax' of 2014. Today, typing this through caffeine fused fingertips, I relish the procrastination of writing a blogpost to distract from my impending dissertation deadline.
This stress arrives in a new form. It is a type of diluted fear that has gradually gained concentration over the past two months as the realisation of just how important this piece of work is has began to settle in. For me, as for many other students, particularly those of English degrees, my dissertation has become a type of academic pregnancy. A little seed that has grown in size over the past year (since starting in September), gaining priority as it adapts and evolves on the page and in my mind. More so than the depth of knowledge that has been required to complete this task, I am incredibly proud of the ideas that have emerged through the process. Someone once told me that, following your dissertation, no written piece will ever prove as important: 'you will never stop talking about it, ever'. Though I hope that my career will ultimately be situated within the journalism field, and so pride in my writing will eternally prevail, I do believe that I have been stung by the dissertation-obsessed bug. In reality, when I'm asked what my study is 'about', I am left dumbfounded in finding the words to justify a piece of such extremity; with three chapters, 10,000 words and a yet to be confirmed title. This is not owing to a lack of understanding regarding my own topic (with feminism and Gothic sexuality perhaps emerging as my new 'pub quiz specialist subjects'), but more so, my inability to do justice to such themes and authors as those I am discussing.
I suppose I am simply inspired at the moment. Reading women's magazines in a new light and unsure of the implications of how I dress in the morning (spending far too much time swapping between shoes to achieve the best 'look' - I will, however, never apologise for my obsession with style as the essentiality of looking good will never leave me). As my dissertation 'baby' has developed, I feel more pressure to conform to the demands of nurturing it. I fill buckets of coffee to prepare for all-nighters that I won't make it through, I begin a 'shake diet', so I needn't worry about cooking on an evening and I whine throughout the day about having no spare time for anything until April 30th. In reality, I'm managing to enjoy it. Living in a home with my best friends in the world has proved that with the right company, you can make it through anything. On hand as my personal proofreaders, comedy-providers and kitchen helpers, they have genuinely played a part in the (hopeful) success of my dissertation.
As I smile to myself, sipping on my latest cup of coffee, and typing about those that have contributed to my happiness throughout this time, I am aware of the ticking clock in the background. Much like the impending time piece that falls and is caught by Gatsby when reunited with his true love Daisy, time has become a valuable asset in more ways than one recently. A reminder of how little time I have to finish my almost 'full-term' dissertation baby, but more so, the time I can enjoy with the people at university who have grown alongside me. Though this may have began as a helpless purge of procrastination, it finishes as a reminder to acknowledge the good things alongside the bad. Perhaps I won't find the ultimate quote to include in my final chapter, that perfectly characterises my entire argument through one carefully constructed collection of language, but what I do know, is that when I flip down my laptop screen and head to refill my essential caffeine lifeline, there will be good friends to relax with, a loving family at the end of a phone line and a happy future waiting to whisk me away when this challenging and exciting adventure is all over.
